All I Need is You

  Are you having problems getting a girlfriend?  Bitches won't give you the time of day?  Then this blog entry is for you!  It maybe as easy as changing up your strategy of love.  If one doesn't work, try a different one!  Here are some tactics to winning the girl (or guy).

  The Nile Tactic:

   As suggested by the name, this one is named after the Nile River, where one of nature's most patient predators lives.  Yes, I am referring to the humble Crocodile.  You see, the crocodile will wait quite a while for his prey to get close before biting down on the head of an obviously retarded wildebeest.  I mean for cereal, how can you be stupid enough to fall for that "I'm a log....with eyes....and teeth" routine.  It's old hat Mr. Crocodile, but they fall for it every time so I guess why fix something that is not broken. 

I see you. How are you going to tell me I don't? I am looking
you square in the eye!

    This one is my personal technique of choice. It translates to us like this, I'm the crocodile, the prey is the woman of choice and the Death Roll stands for a wild rendezvous worthy of Skinimax.  The plan is to stay close by until you come near the water, which is showing me any sign of you liking me.  Chances are, he has been waiting a while, but he won't give up until you make the first move!

All he wants is a kiss. 

  The Shadow Stalker:

  This one is pretty straight forward.  Basically be on her closer than her own shadow.  Smother her with your love!  She'll have no other choice but to love you with the intensity of African bees protecting the hive.



  Hero of Love:
  This one is very similar to Shadow Stalker.  In fact, it often begins that way.  Eventually when stalking her like a pro, you are going to come across the situation of her being in trouble.  This is your chance to shine!  Jump in and beat the shit out of the problem with the bat and/or the super powers you have had with you this whole time.  If you aren't patient enough to wait for nature to take its natural course, pay a hobo or a friend you don't actually like.  That should speed up the process.

His form is flawless.

  Coup de Grace:
  You can never go wrong with pickup lines.  Women absolutely swoon for a man that works a pickup line through his mouth like water winding down a creek.  Only use this if you need a total victory.  She'll be yours forever.  This kind of power takes extensive training.  Be prepared to invest time into this art of love.  Also, ripping off your clothes will multiply the results.  Saying only one pickup line while bare chested will send her into a frenzy where she is begging you to mount her like a lion.  Use this power only for good.

  Popular Pickup Lines:

1. Girl you must be a parking ticket, because you have FINE written all over you.
2. You're parents must be drug dealers, because you're dope to me
3. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
4. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
5. Can you call my eye surgeon, because I am blinded by your beauty.

  And for the killing blow:

Let's get it on like Donkey Kong.