Ranger Dan, the Only Man to Walk Out of Mythology Alive

  In the Davis Mountains, there exists a man named Ranger Dan.  This man is unlike any other man you have ever met.  I had the pleasure of meeting him at a boy scout camp where I was working.  This man is the personification of sheer badassness and being bat-crazy wrapped in one mortal body.  This man is very much real.

Ranger Dan and his trusty giraffe Too-Tall

  The picture above is the one that set Ranger Dan down the path of being a legend.  It was one day during summer when the sun was busy being hot as fuck and I was dying from dehydration.  It was some time around lunch I remember.  I was waiting at the end of the line for the campers to get their food first when out in the distance, I see Ranger Dan riding a huge horse.  I brain was fizzled so it comprehended that I was seeing a giraffe.  It took me 3 whole minutes to realize that is was a large horse.  My brain kept thinking "how did he get a giraffe to the middle of 'Where the Fuck are We,' Texas" and "I wonder if a giraffe is capable of traveling across this mountainous terrain with ease?"  I'm a little embarrassed about it, but I was justified for my absent-mindedness this time.  So like any sane person would do, I retold my experience in the form of a picture in some journal thing I had that I probably stole from some little kid by saying something like "Bitch you better give me that shit or I'm going to punch you in head!"

"Safe Swim"

  That picture turned into another several more like the one above with some witty saying about something about camp or something he said or did.  By the end of the summer, I probably had nearly 50 pictures of him doing wacky, zany things.  I was pretty proud and pretty damn popular too.  Everyone wanted to read this book, because frankly, it was the fucking shit.  I even got an award for it being so kickass.

  Now I know what you're thinking, who cares?  Let me tell you this man's credentials of awesome prowess.  About two or so weeks into camp, I hear a rumor about him and his run in with a cougar.  Now being the reporter I am, I had to find facts.  Putting my ear to the ground and searching around, I finally found it.  The story goes like this, a malevolent cougar was stalking around camp and being a creeper in general.  Ranger Dan was going to have none of this.  He set off into the mountains sometime after lunch to go try and scare it off and go ransack the cougar's home.  He not only found the home, he found the cougar.  He shot the mountain cat in the face with a .22 pistol.  A .22 pistol!  Right between the eyes.  That means he was really close to pull that kill off.  Finish him! Fatality!  If that wasn't enough, he carried the carcass back down the mountain and had him stuffed and put him in the living room because Ranger Dan keeps what he kills. 

None of this picture is exaggerated.  Except maybe the number of claws.

  I am going to put new Ranger Dan pictures up here as I draw them because I have a new scanner and am eager to use it for any and everything, so check back often for more tales of awesomeness.

D.I.T.T.O.: Ditto Is (a) Tarded Thundercunt Organism

  For those of you who don't know, I still play Pokemon.  I find it fun and mentally stimulating.  I strive to be the very best.  Well, there is this place where you can take pokemon to be raised by some old lady and her old decrepit husband.  Here, they will give your pokemon (they can raise two at once) experience for every step you take. 

  Sometimes when you have two pokemon at the day care at once and they happen to have the hots for one another, they will bang and you will get an egg to celebrate their monstrous copulation.  For the trainer, like myself, who don't feel like going the extra mile, you can leave a Ditto with another pokemon of which you want a baby from.

Pictured: A living sex-toy.  Ditto for short

  You see, Ditto has the unique ability to become any pokemon it wants to.  This gives it the power to bang and make a baby with any other pokemon.  I have a Ditto for exactly this purpose.  His/Her name is Dr. Love PhD.  His/Her sole job is to bang and conceive another pokemon's baby. 


  And frankly, I am completely fine with that.  The problem I have is the Day-Care Man.  When I go to collect my freak babies, Mr. I-Watch-Your-Pokemon-Bang is standing there holding it.  Instead of saying something obvious like "Hey your pokemon is a sex freak, here is ANOTHER egg," he says some shit like "We don't know how it happened, but we found this egg out with your pokemon."  We don't know how it happened.  I am a goddamned adult.  I know where babies fucking come from.  Don't pretend like you are fooling me, because I see through your child-protected bullshit.  Be straight with me bro.

  If you don't know how pokemon are made, it goes a little like this.  I leave my pokemon with you, they bang each other with their genital parts, and then said banging creates an egg.  How about instead of remaning ignorant, you should actually look out your window and watch my fucking pokemon like I am paying you with my hard earned pokedollars that I made by risking my pokemon's life for each and everyday.

  In summary, I hate you Day-Care Man.

All I Need is You

  Are you having problems getting a girlfriend?  Bitches won't give you the time of day?  Then this blog entry is for you!  It maybe as easy as changing up your strategy of love.  If one doesn't work, try a different one!  Here are some tactics to winning the girl (or guy).

  The Nile Tactic:

   As suggested by the name, this one is named after the Nile River, where one of nature's most patient predators lives.  Yes, I am referring to the humble Crocodile.  You see, the crocodile will wait quite a while for his prey to get close before biting down on the head of an obviously retarded wildebeest.  I mean for cereal, how can you be stupid enough to fall for that "I'm a log....with eyes....and teeth" routine.  It's old hat Mr. Crocodile, but they fall for it every time so I guess why fix something that is not broken. 

I see you. How are you going to tell me I don't? I am looking
you square in the eye!

    This one is my personal technique of choice. It translates to us like this, I'm the crocodile, the prey is the woman of choice and the Death Roll stands for a wild rendezvous worthy of Skinimax.  The plan is to stay close by until you come near the water, which is showing me any sign of you liking me.  Chances are, he has been waiting a while, but he won't give up until you make the first move!

All he wants is a kiss. 

  The Shadow Stalker:

  This one is pretty straight forward.  Basically be on her closer than her own shadow.  Smother her with your love!  She'll have no other choice but to love you with the intensity of African bees protecting the hive.



  Hero of Love:
  This one is very similar to Shadow Stalker.  In fact, it often begins that way.  Eventually when stalking her like a pro, you are going to come across the situation of her being in trouble.  This is your chance to shine!  Jump in and beat the shit out of the problem with the bat and/or the super powers you have had with you this whole time.  If you aren't patient enough to wait for nature to take its natural course, pay a hobo or a friend you don't actually like.  That should speed up the process.

His form is flawless.

  Coup de Grace:
  You can never go wrong with pickup lines.  Women absolutely swoon for a man that works a pickup line through his mouth like water winding down a creek.  Only use this if you need a total victory.  She'll be yours forever.  This kind of power takes extensive training.  Be prepared to invest time into this art of love.  Also, ripping off your clothes will multiply the results.  Saying only one pickup line while bare chested will send her into a frenzy where she is begging you to mount her like a lion.  Use this power only for good.

  Popular Pickup Lines:

1. Girl you must be a parking ticket, because you have FINE written all over you.
2. You're parents must be drug dealers, because you're dope to me
3. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
4. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
5. Can you call my eye surgeon, because I am blinded by your beauty.

  And for the killing blow:

Let's get it on like Donkey Kong.

Sex, Anatomy, and Lions.

  Welcome back reader!  It's good to see you.  How are you?  I'm glad to hear that.  Oh?  You like sex and money too?!  This is excellent news. 
 
  Now if you tried the previous celibacy technique for parents of young, naive kids.  But Derek, my kid is semi-intelligent!  He didn't believe a damn word you said!  Well reader, let's be honest, it was a half-baked plan to begin with.  And you obviously didn't show him this picture:

Did you tell him this was going to
explode out of his wiener?
Now we're both to blame.

  Well I have a back up plan. It's time to set this kid straight.  Ambush him....again.  Tie him up against his radiator if you have to.  You're about to give this little shit The Talk.  I'll let you use the talk I gave.  Now I'm not a parent, but I do have a large, child-like friend. 

  This guy was telling me that he was probably going to have sex soon with his Internet girlfriend and telling me his crack pot ideas about sex was like.  He based every bit of information off of Attack of the Show, a show with a fan base that has never seem a woman's genitals.  I had to pump the breaks right then and there.  The boy had it all wrong.  Then as Mufasa once lectured me, I lectured him.

"Oh, the penis goes it the vagina.
Well that makes much more sense."

  Like Mufasa did, I taught him that everything the light touches will be his when I have become a part of the circle of life.  The analogy there was that any woman I have ever looked at becomes his property after I die and become grass for the antelopes.  Long story short, it didn't happen and I still look like a great mystic shaman from the Kenyan Serengeti.  I love this movie.  There is not a single life lesson it can't teach.

 

It went EXACTLY like this.  A touching father-surrogate son moment.

The Internet: The Most Hostile Frontier

  I have a confession.  I'm not a good speller in the slightest.  I didn't even know I was spelling awkward wrong until 2 months ago.  I don't pretend like I know everything about writing.  In fact, I hate writing more than I hate bananas.  I still double space between my periods and the next sentence because that is how I still roll and because I'm not about to let years of torture at school be for nothing.  I have a firm understanding of to, too and two, but that is all I claim.  So I am writing this to you, that mysterious hunter waiting to grammar slam the shit out of me. Smiley faces are a currency among your online species.  I'll give you all the smileys you want!  Please be gentle.  As a side note, if something is misspelled wrong, I am probably going to be too lazy to fix it, so I guess you'll have to deal with it.

  Also, I am thoroughly worried about copying anyone.  If something does get copied, I can assure you it was by accident. 

  I heart dinosaurs, bears, werewolves and other funny things so I imagine there is at least one person out there that has these similar interests.

Cartoons on Facebook

  This along with the blog "TSA Pat Downs" were written for class. 

I probably didn't get a good grade...

  Over the past few days, my Facebook has been plagued by cartoons as one by one friends of mine has changed their profile picture to a cartoon from their childhood.  I'm sure some of you people have no idea why you are being bombarded by this animated war machine.  



Pictured: Child Abuse



  Recently, somebody thought they would make his or herself famous by starting a movement to make people more aware of child abuse by using the Pay It Forward method by you telling two people, then they'll tell two people, and then they'll tell two more people, and then they'll....  You get the point.  Anyways, the group has worked and now half my friends list and a ton of complete strangers have now replaced their profile pictures with cartoons.



  Now I know some people had no idea this was to gain awareness for child abuse.  Some people saw the masses change their pictures and, like sheep, followed suit.  Heck, I just used it as an excuse to make my picture a giant robot that I loved as a kid.  I am all about me some giant robots.  So many people changed their pictures that CNN actually wrote a story about it. I guess nothing was happening anywhere else, but it's fine, I don't mean to insult. 

  In the words of a friend, cartoons stop child abuse, wristbands stop cancer, and Starbucks stops waste.  I'm not going to say that "if you're not out in the streets everyday, then you aren't trying hard enough." The problem is with someone thinking that they can buy a cup of "fair trade coffee" or liking a cause on Facebook is really fixing something.  All this stuff is just a means to build awareness.  Ultimately though, people use them as an excuse to make themselves feel better; that they're doing something.



He is stomping out child abuse with the

 4-ton ass-kickers he calls feet.



  So whether you decide to change your profile picture is up to you.  I just want you to make a difference.  I heard from the grape-vine that this guy is running for office in 2012.

TSA Pat Downs

  So there is this thing called the TSA (Transportation Security Administration) pat down.  It is where you basically go through this screening process where they take a picture of your naked body to make sure you aren't armed to the teeth or carrying a box filled with Uranium strapped to your chest, ready to Carpe some Diem.
  The first time I heard this, I thought it was so absurd and such a violation of our privacy as individuals, that it would be thrown out and the person who suggested it would be slapped by a wolverine.  You can imagine my surprise when I found it was still being talked about and used.

Boy he’s really getting in there.  I can’t wait for my turn.

  This is scan is done with this thing called Advanced Imaging Technology or ATI.  ATI is so powerful it can see through clothes, see if a man is circumcised, or if a woman was on her period.  I might as well walk around naked.  It's not only enough that they can see you butt-naked, the machines also stores your picture in this databank for who knows how long.
  I can only imagine how abused this new power is going to be. Imagine this wonderful scenario: Guy is working the ATI, beautiful celebrity is taking a flight, let's say it is Jessica Alba, guy has always wanted to see Jessica Alba naked, luckily, he works the ATI machine so he can see every uncovered contour of her body.  Let's say guy wants to send picture of naked Jessica to his buddy so he can gloat; easy enough.  Just take a picture of it and send the picture on its merry way to your friends phone.  Now this guy is one you would trust with your briefcase, let alone a hot nude celebrity.  The picture is passed around more than STDs in high school and now you have an epidemic.  Poor Jessica's rights have been violated as long with the rest of her body.  Shame on you TSA.
  That is just a scenario, real life hasn't been much better.  One woman, a rape victim, went through the machine on her way home back to Minnesota. "What they did to me, in full view of everyone else in line, was like being sexually assaulted all over again," she said.  "I was in shock.  I hate myself that I allowed them to do this to me.  I haven't been able to stop crying since."  SHE HASN'T BEEN ABLE TO STOP CRYING SINCE!  Are you kidding me?!  Talk about traumatizing.  A different man, a bladder cancer survivor, was absolutely humiliated after a run in with the TSA machine.  Tom Sawyer, a 61-year-old retired special education teacher, wears a bag to collect his urine.  The TSA machine didn’t care.  I can only assume it grabbed him by the shoulders and tossed him like a rag-doll into a wall named Embarrassment.  During a pat down, the poor man had his urine bag spill all over his clothes.  The experience left him in tears.  He was able to change his bag, but did not have enough time to change him clothes before his flight left; he was forced to board with the urine soaked clothes on a flight literally across America.
  All in all.  I don’t like this.  Now I know this will severely cut down on some terrorists smuggling bombs and the what-nots on planes, but at the price of giving basically anything we hold as private over to the government.  We hold America up so high up on a pedestal about how lucky we are and how many rights we are given.  Now they’re slowly being taken away as we move closer and closer to an obsession to stopping terrorists.
  Just a fun fact, did you know that in the last decade including the 9/11 terrorists attacks, you have been 10 times more lucky to die from a fire you accidentally set in your home than from a terrorists attack.

Aliens: Everything You Need to Know About Teen Pregnancy

  As you are probably well aware, teen pregnancy is running rampant like a sex-crazed elephant through the Serengeti, humping the shit out of everything. 

No, no, no.  You're doing it all wrong.  Thrust with the hips.

  I have a solution to this problem:  The Alien Quadrilogy.  I have step-by-step instructions to keep your son from the vile clutches of teen promiscuity and unplanned pregnancy. 



An elaborate trap.



1.  Make a Son

 If you don't have a son, you didn't try hard enough during conception. Come back when you have one.  The plan begins with you luring your SON into a trap. Also, make sure he is young and naive about the world.  If you can't, skip to Step 9.

 

2.  Bait and Hook 

  Assuming Step 1 went off without a hitch, you have him in your clutches, probably with false promises of watching a movie together, possibly some father-son bonding to get his hopes of a fun afternoon.  Make sure his exits have been blocked. If this didn't work, move to Step 3.  If it did, skip to Step 4.

3.  Launch the Trap!
  Begin talking about the birds and the bees.  Tell him you have a fun, exciting movie that will teach him what he needs to know.  Skip to Step 5.

4.  Initiate Mortal Kombat
  Jump that little spitfire and lock him up like a pretzel. This might be a duel to the death so be prepared.   If he bests you in combat, tell him he is dead to you if he doesn't sit down.  Proceed to Step 5.

5.  Pick Your Poison
  At this point, pop any of the Alien movies in.  Each movie (except for the third; don't force him to watch that one) has its own message against sex and pregnancy.

    Alien is about the dangers of sex and what it will do to you. 


    Aliens is about having to take care of some helpless kid against a horde rapist, much like you will have to protect your child from a shit load of sexual predators as a day long marathon of Law and Order: SVU has shown me today. 



Sexual Predators are
all over the place.



    Alien: Resurrection is all about having some illegitimate freak of nature as a child, often a side-effect of sex. 

7.  Nail in the Coffin

  Throw in the movie Teeth for measure if your child remains skeptical.  Tell him all women have teeth in their vagina and are willing to give you a circumcision for free.  Also tell him they will also bite off your wiener because all women are evil and need wieners to keep them young and evil.

8.  Fatality!

 Congratulations!  Your son is a psychologically scarred virgin, but virgin nonetheless.  Thank God everyday that he is not this kid.

9. Isn't Life Cruel?

  So you got stuck with a daughter?  Everyday living with fear that some young buck with a dong will eventually ravage your daughter must be rough on the nerves.  Anyways, show her any picture of childbirth and that should steer her clear of sex.  Make sure it is extremely graphic and the baby is in the action of exploding out of the vagina.



Much like this!  Just change the blue
squiggly lines to red and that toliet
to her vagina.