As you are probably well aware, teen pregnancy is running rampant like a sex-crazed elephant through the Serengeti, humping the shit out of everything.
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| No, no, no. You're doing it all wrong. Thrust with the hips. |
I have a solution to this problem: The Alien Quadrilogy. I have step-by-step instructions to keep your son from the vile clutches of teen promiscuity and unplanned pregnancy.
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| An elaborate trap. |
1. Make a Son
If you don't have a son, you didn't try hard enough during conception. Come back when you have one. The plan begins with you luring your SON into a trap. Also, make sure he is young and naive about the world. If you can't, skip to Step 9.
2. Bait and Hook
Assuming Step 1 went off without a hitch, you have him in your clutches, probably with false promises of watching a movie together, possibly some father-son bonding to get his hopes of a fun afternoon. Make sure his exits have been blocked. If this didn't work, move to Step 3. If it did, skip to Step 4.
3. Launch the Trap!
Begin talking about the birds and the bees. Tell him you have a fun, exciting movie that will teach him what he needs to know. Skip to Step 5.
4. Initiate Mortal Kombat
Jump that little spitfire and lock him up like a pretzel. This might be a duel to the death so be prepared. If he bests you in combat, tell him he is dead to you if he doesn't sit down. Proceed to Step 5.
5. Pick Your Poison
At this point, pop any of the Alien movies in. Each movie (except for the third; don't force him to watch that one) has its own message against sex and pregnancy.
Alien is about the dangers of sex and what it will do to you.
Aliens is about having to take care of some helpless kid against a horde rapist, much like you will have to protect your child from a shit load of sexual predators as a day long marathon of Law and Order: SVU has shown me today.
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| Sexual Predators are all over the place. |
Alien: Resurrection is all about having some illegitimate freak of nature as a child, often a side-effect of sex.
7. Nail in the Coffin
Throw in the movie Teeth for measure if your child remains skeptical. Tell him all women have teeth in their vagina and are willing to give you a circumcision for free. Also tell him they will also bite off your wiener because all women are evil and need wieners to keep them young and evil.
8. Fatality!
Congratulations! Your son is a psychologically scarred virgin, but virgin nonetheless. Thank God everyday that he is not this kid.
9. Isn't Life Cruel?
So you got stuck with a daughter? Everyday living with fear that some young buck with a dong will eventually ravage your daughter must be rough on the nerves. Anyways, show her any picture of childbirth and that should steer her clear of sex. Make sure it is extremely graphic and the baby is in the action of exploding out of the vagina.
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| Much like this! Just change the blue squiggly lines to red and that toliet to her vagina. |
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