The Ballad of Derek the Sim

  So I rented Sims 3 on the Xbox what seems a month ago now.  Let me be the first to say this game is pretty sweet.  So I made my guy and named him Derek, after yours truly of course.  It seemed fitting at the time.  He's a pretty handsome devil if I do say so myself.  He's like me, except skinny and he knows how to play the guitar.  He's got my silver tongue, my charming charisma, life of the party, and other such wonderful characteristics about me.  I filled out all his little traits and the what not and his lifelong dream was to have his guitar and charisma skill maxed out.  From here on out, I will be speaking from the viewpoint of Derek the Sim.  I will also be listening to "You Spin My Head Right Round" over and over while I write this.  I might throw in some 3Oh!3 to shake shit up, because it puts me in the mood.

Prepare to surrender your life over
to EA. 

  It all started in Character Creation.  I got my swag on with some thugerific clothes in the glorious green variety.  I chose some devilish good features and then went out into the simulated game I call life.  For whatever reason, I had 16 thousand dollars burning a hole in my pocket and no place to live, so that seemed like the next logical choice to do.  I bought a small, one bed, one bath house for about 14k.  It was quite a lovely neighborhood.  My house was right across the street from a park with a fish pond.  I liked to get away from the hoopla of work and life by going to this park and practicing my guitar or reading some literature about zombie safety.  Of course, this would be much nicer if some asshole *cough*Cookie Leary*cough* wasn't playing his guitar all hours of the day every day right outside my house.  I'll tell you more about him later.

  Let me tell you about my job now.  You see, my lifelong dream is become a guitar god and the charisma to move a nation.  I'm talking so charismatic that nations fight wars over who can be in the front row of my worldwide concert.  But as with every great story, it all has to start some where.  It was a bright and beautiful Saturday afternoon.  Kevin, the adorable and pudgy paperboy (probably running papers to have a little extra spending money at school), had just dropped the paper off on his daily runs.  I opened it up and looked under job listings.  There was an opening at the theater!  Can I be so lucky!?  I had to start small, $12/hr working 6 days a week as a Roadie.  My boss was Kara Leary.  At first she was a tight-ass, but I eventually wore her down and we became pretty good friends.  Remember Cookie?  Well Cookie is her husband.  They are a couple in their 60s or so and have a genuine appreciation for the arts and music.  More power to them I suppose, but I digress.  I wouldn't be a Roadie for long though!  I'm going places baby!

 -Fast Forward 3 Real Days-

  I'm really starting to climb the ranks now.  I'm a Lyricist working 4 days a week for $152/hr.  At this point, I have more time and money than I know what to do with.  Sure, I buy a nice thing or two to make my home better looking and less of a death trap, but what I really want is some human companionship.  I trolled around my little town for a suitable mate.  I spent some time at the gym and the hangout place around the theater, but to no avail.  Then one day at the park across from my house there was a girl named Sara Masterson.  She looked like your typical poet with the typical black beret, with a black turtleneck and black circle glasses.

A lot like this except as a woman.

    So I start chatting her up using that family charm.  We became fast friends.  I'd invite her over and hang out.  Sometimes I would show off by playing my guitar or paint a picture.  I AM an artist after all.  As I get to know her more, I find out she is not a poet, but a burgler....and evil.  But it's whatever, I'm not too picky and she seems to be the only person that is not geriatric or in elementary.  As the days go by, I would invite Sara over and she would say "Ok! I'll be right over!" and then I would get a call not 2 seconds later from her saying "Something came up."  This went on for a couple days.  Then one day I said "Fuck the bitch."  I give up on her and continue living my life.  The very next day, my maid (I'm rich as shit so I can afford fun stuff like that) was cleaning my house.  She looked like an angel! 

  Her name is Isabella Daniels. I tried to spend as much time as I could with her.  I invited her over all the time.  Sometimes she would stay over and we would hang out all night.  Eventually, I asked Isabella to be my girlfriend.  When things started to get serious, Sara started calling me and asking if I wanted to come over.  I put the bitch in her place is what I did.  I told her I was in a happy and loving relationship right now.  Almost immediately after that, I asked her to move in with me.  Now the fun never stopped.

-On the 6th Day-

  By this time, I had become a Rockstar and was making any where from 15 hundred to 6k in just one concert.  But what outshined all that money is that my sweet Isabella was preggers.  We had the baby shortly afterwards.  It was a beautiful baby girl.  Her name is Anne Hathoway Daniels (named after my celebrity love and she took her mother's last name since we weren't married yet.)  Isabell and I got married the next day and we were one big happy family.  I spent some mad money on expanding our house for our little angel.  I put in an entertainment room for company too.  Also around this time, Sara would sulk around the park across the street looking for any kind of attention.  Pathetic really.  Occasionaly, she would come over and ring the doorbell looking to come in.  I would chase her off in this situation.  But one day, I was at a concert and Isabell was at work so we had a babysitter come over and take care of Anne.  Sara saw this as a time to strike.  She let herself in with her burgler skills and picked up and held my baby.  I rushed home and called the cops on her.  I haven't seen her since. 

  Isabella worked at the town stadium trainning little leaguers for their game.  I was still making major cash as the Rockstar.  Anne was growing quickly.  She had her first birthday and I found out she had the traits of a genius.  I'm not surprised though; she is from my seed.

-The Final Day-

  Disaster struck in the form of an earthquake.  It ripped through our quiet town and made the appiances catch fire.  I was at the park when it happened.  I ran over and grabbed Anne and shooed Isabell out the door.  Luckily no one was hurt.  While some saw nothing but heartache and tragedy, I saw a golden opportunity.  I was stupid rich by this point, so I decided it is time to start living like it.  I bought the mansion on the coast, overlooking the luscious sea. 

  And this brings us to our close.  Anne is a beautiful young lady, beginning her first days of elementary.  Isabella is now a professional athlete and a damn good one at that.  And I am still living my dream, one day at a time with my wonderful family.