Baile de Muerte.

  It's Spring Break right now and I had to make a long drive to get home.  There is something about driving 2-hours through car-infested highways that is just physically exhausting.  It really makes the butt cheeks sing once you get out of the car.

  For years, I have always thought of the highways as the most synchronized dance of death.  Every one is doing their part to not eat shit in the pile of metal, death, and fire that is known as a 15-car pile-up.  I, as the main character and choreographer of the production of Baile de Muerte, have the strict job of making sure everyone is nailing their parts in perfect harmony or I will be laughed right off of Broadway, in this case, dying like a bitch. 

  So as I was driving through hill country on my way down to Houston, there is a part of the road that goes up a hill in about a 26 degree angle.  Luckily my car can handle it, but that's not the point.  It got me thinking that this highway is nothing more than a big, not so theatrical roller coaster.  My car can go just as fast or faster as any roller coaster, the hills provide the thrills, and the other cars provide the danger.  It made time go by a little faster imagining it. 

This ride would be so bittersweet. 

The List.

  As I have lived my short life, like most of us, I keep a mental list of everything that pisses me off or something I hate.  Ok, this is how this works.  For everything I have written down, add Fuck You to the beginning of it.  Then, I list what I hate and why.  Pretty straight forward I would imagine.

Fuck You...

  ...Cancer.  You killed my dog.

  ...Hulu.  You used to be cool.  Now you charge to watch your shit.

  ...Team Rocket.  Quit trying to steal my Pokemon.  I went to the fucking work of catching them.  If you would would catch something more intimidating that a fucking Rattata, maybe you could stand a chance at your goals.

  ...Gamefreak.  You keep encourage Team Rocket.

  ...Scar from the Lion King.  You cut Mufasa down in his prime.  You're lucky he comes back as a ghost or I would ice your ass myself.

  ...Steven.  Is it so hard to pick up a fucking phone or shit, even reply on Facebook?  You could at least pretend to still be my friend or at least tell me that we can't be friends anymore.

  ...Mazda.  You made a shitty car and you know it and you still let me get it.  If it's not one problem, it's another.

  ...Math.  For years you have been putting me down and I'm fed up with it.  I'm not stupid!  I just have a hard time focusing on what the fuck I'll need Trig for in any part of my life.

  ...Mark Zuckerburg, the CO-creator of Facebook.  Yeah I saw that shit ass movie, "The Social Network."  It fucking sucked.  I don't like the smug little shit that you were portrayed as which I can only assume is how you act in real life.

  ...Gas Prices.  Quit being a tool.

  ...The White Walls of My Apartment.  God I'm tired of staring at your blankness.  I need a woman's touch to redecorate my place.

  ...Dish Network.  You take away my Cartoon Network to put up 3 MTV2 channels?  Who the fuck do you think you are?

  ...Racism.  Get over yourself.

  ...Yelllow Jackets (the insect).  I still have not forgotten about the physical and psychological torment you put me through.

  ...Hot Pockets (for the moment).  You gave me the worst burn in my life.  I haver never felt so much pain before.

  ...Fighting-type Pokemon.  Can you be any more over powered?!

  ...College.  Why do I have to take TWO years of a forgein language?  I'm not planning on moving to Germany in the next 50 something years.

  ...Jobs.  Just hire me; I'm a good worker.

  ...iPhone.  You're such a smug, pretentious little shit, but I can't live without you anymore.

  ...Women.  Why do you have to have so many complicated emotions?

  ...Salads.  I would eat you more if you didn't taste so awful.  I'm not meant to live that way!  I have sharp teeth for a reason!

  ...Heroes (the TV show).  The first season was so awesome and the others just weren't.  You kept my interest for 3 more seasons by throwing some stupid fucking twist that had no impact on the story.

  ...Writing.  I HATE writing!

  ...Golf Cart Guy.  You aren't cool and you're definitely not funny.  Don't look at me.  Don't talk to me.  Don't even make eye contact with me.  Just do your job and drive me to and from school.

  ...The Red Head that checks out cameras at school.  Why are you such a bitch?  I can't tell you how many times I wanted to put you in your place, but didn't because you were in charge of the cameras I have to check out for class.  I hear you're in London right now.  I hope you are having a shitty time eating British food and listening to the Beatles.

  ...The Beatles.  I don't like you singing your songs.  If someone sings them then fine, I'll listen to it.  If Chris Cornell sings one, I'll love it.  I just don't want you singing them. 

  ...Wolverine from the X-Men.  I don't know why I don't like you, but I don't.

  ...Black Kid from my P.E. class in my freshmen year in high school.  I should have fought you when I had the chance.  I regret almost every month that I didn't hit you right in your fucking face.

  ...Bad Drivers.  You know who you are.  You don't believe you are, but I know for a fact you are.  Good drivers don't watch Youtube when they drive.

  ...Cancer...Again.  You killed my dog you piece of shit.  You better not let me catch you on the streets at night.  Shit, you better not let me catch you anytime of the day.  I'll ruin your whole day.

The Ballad of Derek the Sim

  So I rented Sims 3 on the Xbox what seems a month ago now.  Let me be the first to say this game is pretty sweet.  So I made my guy and named him Derek, after yours truly of course.  It seemed fitting at the time.  He's a pretty handsome devil if I do say so myself.  He's like me, except skinny and he knows how to play the guitar.  He's got my silver tongue, my charming charisma, life of the party, and other such wonderful characteristics about me.  I filled out all his little traits and the what not and his lifelong dream was to have his guitar and charisma skill maxed out.  From here on out, I will be speaking from the viewpoint of Derek the Sim.  I will also be listening to "You Spin My Head Right Round" over and over while I write this.  I might throw in some 3Oh!3 to shake shit up, because it puts me in the mood.

Prepare to surrender your life over
to EA. 

  It all started in Character Creation.  I got my swag on with some thugerific clothes in the glorious green variety.  I chose some devilish good features and then went out into the simulated game I call life.  For whatever reason, I had 16 thousand dollars burning a hole in my pocket and no place to live, so that seemed like the next logical choice to do.  I bought a small, one bed, one bath house for about 14k.  It was quite a lovely neighborhood.  My house was right across the street from a park with a fish pond.  I liked to get away from the hoopla of work and life by going to this park and practicing my guitar or reading some literature about zombie safety.  Of course, this would be much nicer if some asshole *cough*Cookie Leary*cough* wasn't playing his guitar all hours of the day every day right outside my house.  I'll tell you more about him later.

  Let me tell you about my job now.  You see, my lifelong dream is become a guitar god and the charisma to move a nation.  I'm talking so charismatic that nations fight wars over who can be in the front row of my worldwide concert.  But as with every great story, it all has to start some where.  It was a bright and beautiful Saturday afternoon.  Kevin, the adorable and pudgy paperboy (probably running papers to have a little extra spending money at school), had just dropped the paper off on his daily runs.  I opened it up and looked under job listings.  There was an opening at the theater!  Can I be so lucky!?  I had to start small, $12/hr working 6 days a week as a Roadie.  My boss was Kara Leary.  At first she was a tight-ass, but I eventually wore her down and we became pretty good friends.  Remember Cookie?  Well Cookie is her husband.  They are a couple in their 60s or so and have a genuine appreciation for the arts and music.  More power to them I suppose, but I digress.  I wouldn't be a Roadie for long though!  I'm going places baby!

 -Fast Forward 3 Real Days-

  I'm really starting to climb the ranks now.  I'm a Lyricist working 4 days a week for $152/hr.  At this point, I have more time and money than I know what to do with.  Sure, I buy a nice thing or two to make my home better looking and less of a death trap, but what I really want is some human companionship.  I trolled around my little town for a suitable mate.  I spent some time at the gym and the hangout place around the theater, but to no avail.  Then one day at the park across from my house there was a girl named Sara Masterson.  She looked like your typical poet with the typical black beret, with a black turtleneck and black circle glasses.

A lot like this except as a woman.

    So I start chatting her up using that family charm.  We became fast friends.  I'd invite her over and hang out.  Sometimes I would show off by playing my guitar or paint a picture.  I AM an artist after all.  As I get to know her more, I find out she is not a poet, but a burgler....and evil.  But it's whatever, I'm not too picky and she seems to be the only person that is not geriatric or in elementary.  As the days go by, I would invite Sara over and she would say "Ok! I'll be right over!" and then I would get a call not 2 seconds later from her saying "Something came up."  This went on for a couple days.  Then one day I said "Fuck the bitch."  I give up on her and continue living my life.  The very next day, my maid (I'm rich as shit so I can afford fun stuff like that) was cleaning my house.  She looked like an angel! 

  Her name is Isabella Daniels. I tried to spend as much time as I could with her.  I invited her over all the time.  Sometimes she would stay over and we would hang out all night.  Eventually, I asked Isabella to be my girlfriend.  When things started to get serious, Sara started calling me and asking if I wanted to come over.  I put the bitch in her place is what I did.  I told her I was in a happy and loving relationship right now.  Almost immediately after that, I asked her to move in with me.  Now the fun never stopped.

-On the 6th Day-

  By this time, I had become a Rockstar and was making any where from 15 hundred to 6k in just one concert.  But what outshined all that money is that my sweet Isabella was preggers.  We had the baby shortly afterwards.  It was a beautiful baby girl.  Her name is Anne Hathoway Daniels (named after my celebrity love and she took her mother's last name since we weren't married yet.)  Isabell and I got married the next day and we were one big happy family.  I spent some mad money on expanding our house for our little angel.  I put in an entertainment room for company too.  Also around this time, Sara would sulk around the park across the street looking for any kind of attention.  Pathetic really.  Occasionaly, she would come over and ring the doorbell looking to come in.  I would chase her off in this situation.  But one day, I was at a concert and Isabell was at work so we had a babysitter come over and take care of Anne.  Sara saw this as a time to strike.  She let herself in with her burgler skills and picked up and held my baby.  I rushed home and called the cops on her.  I haven't seen her since. 

  Isabella worked at the town stadium trainning little leaguers for their game.  I was still making major cash as the Rockstar.  Anne was growing quickly.  She had her first birthday and I found out she had the traits of a genius.  I'm not surprised though; she is from my seed.

-The Final Day-

  Disaster struck in the form of an earthquake.  It ripped through our quiet town and made the appiances catch fire.  I was at the park when it happened.  I ran over and grabbed Anne and shooed Isabell out the door.  Luckily no one was hurt.  While some saw nothing but heartache and tragedy, I saw a golden opportunity.  I was stupid rich by this point, so I decided it is time to start living like it.  I bought the mansion on the coast, overlooking the luscious sea. 

  And this brings us to our close.  Anne is a beautiful young lady, beginning her first days of elementary.  Isabella is now a professional athlete and a damn good one at that.  And I am still living my dream, one day at a time with my wonderful family.

Ranger Dan, the Only Man to Walk Out of Mythology Alive

  In the Davis Mountains, there exists a man named Ranger Dan.  This man is unlike any other man you have ever met.  I had the pleasure of meeting him at a boy scout camp where I was working.  This man is the personification of sheer badassness and being bat-crazy wrapped in one mortal body.  This man is very much real.

Ranger Dan and his trusty giraffe Too-Tall

  The picture above is the one that set Ranger Dan down the path of being a legend.  It was one day during summer when the sun was busy being hot as fuck and I was dying from dehydration.  It was some time around lunch I remember.  I was waiting at the end of the line for the campers to get their food first when out in the distance, I see Ranger Dan riding a huge horse.  I brain was fizzled so it comprehended that I was seeing a giraffe.  It took me 3 whole minutes to realize that is was a large horse.  My brain kept thinking "how did he get a giraffe to the middle of 'Where the Fuck are We,' Texas" and "I wonder if a giraffe is capable of traveling across this mountainous terrain with ease?"  I'm a little embarrassed about it, but I was justified for my absent-mindedness this time.  So like any sane person would do, I retold my experience in the form of a picture in some journal thing I had that I probably stole from some little kid by saying something like "Bitch you better give me that shit or I'm going to punch you in head!"

"Safe Swim"

  That picture turned into another several more like the one above with some witty saying about something about camp or something he said or did.  By the end of the summer, I probably had nearly 50 pictures of him doing wacky, zany things.  I was pretty proud and pretty damn popular too.  Everyone wanted to read this book, because frankly, it was the fucking shit.  I even got an award for it being so kickass.

  Now I know what you're thinking, who cares?  Let me tell you this man's credentials of awesome prowess.  About two or so weeks into camp, I hear a rumor about him and his run in with a cougar.  Now being the reporter I am, I had to find facts.  Putting my ear to the ground and searching around, I finally found it.  The story goes like this, a malevolent cougar was stalking around camp and being a creeper in general.  Ranger Dan was going to have none of this.  He set off into the mountains sometime after lunch to go try and scare it off and go ransack the cougar's home.  He not only found the home, he found the cougar.  He shot the mountain cat in the face with a .22 pistol.  A .22 pistol!  Right between the eyes.  That means he was really close to pull that kill off.  Finish him! Fatality!  If that wasn't enough, he carried the carcass back down the mountain and had him stuffed and put him in the living room because Ranger Dan keeps what he kills. 

None of this picture is exaggerated.  Except maybe the number of claws.

  I am going to put new Ranger Dan pictures up here as I draw them because I have a new scanner and am eager to use it for any and everything, so check back often for more tales of awesomeness.

D.I.T.T.O.: Ditto Is (a) Tarded Thundercunt Organism

  For those of you who don't know, I still play Pokemon.  I find it fun and mentally stimulating.  I strive to be the very best.  Well, there is this place where you can take pokemon to be raised by some old lady and her old decrepit husband.  Here, they will give your pokemon (they can raise two at once) experience for every step you take. 

  Sometimes when you have two pokemon at the day care at once and they happen to have the hots for one another, they will bang and you will get an egg to celebrate their monstrous copulation.  For the trainer, like myself, who don't feel like going the extra mile, you can leave a Ditto with another pokemon of which you want a baby from.

Pictured: A living sex-toy.  Ditto for short

  You see, Ditto has the unique ability to become any pokemon it wants to.  This gives it the power to bang and make a baby with any other pokemon.  I have a Ditto for exactly this purpose.  His/Her name is Dr. Love PhD.  His/Her sole job is to bang and conceive another pokemon's baby. 


  And frankly, I am completely fine with that.  The problem I have is the Day-Care Man.  When I go to collect my freak babies, Mr. I-Watch-Your-Pokemon-Bang is standing there holding it.  Instead of saying something obvious like "Hey your pokemon is a sex freak, here is ANOTHER egg," he says some shit like "We don't know how it happened, but we found this egg out with your pokemon."  We don't know how it happened.  I am a goddamned adult.  I know where babies fucking come from.  Don't pretend like you are fooling me, because I see through your child-protected bullshit.  Be straight with me bro.

  If you don't know how pokemon are made, it goes a little like this.  I leave my pokemon with you, they bang each other with their genital parts, and then said banging creates an egg.  How about instead of remaning ignorant, you should actually look out your window and watch my fucking pokemon like I am paying you with my hard earned pokedollars that I made by risking my pokemon's life for each and everyday.

  In summary, I hate you Day-Care Man.

All I Need is You

  Are you having problems getting a girlfriend?  Bitches won't give you the time of day?  Then this blog entry is for you!  It maybe as easy as changing up your strategy of love.  If one doesn't work, try a different one!  Here are some tactics to winning the girl (or guy).

  The Nile Tactic:

   As suggested by the name, this one is named after the Nile River, where one of nature's most patient predators lives.  Yes, I am referring to the humble Crocodile.  You see, the crocodile will wait quite a while for his prey to get close before biting down on the head of an obviously retarded wildebeest.  I mean for cereal, how can you be stupid enough to fall for that "I'm a log....with eyes....and teeth" routine.  It's old hat Mr. Crocodile, but they fall for it every time so I guess why fix something that is not broken. 

I see you. How are you going to tell me I don't? I am looking
you square in the eye!

    This one is my personal technique of choice. It translates to us like this, I'm the crocodile, the prey is the woman of choice and the Death Roll stands for a wild rendezvous worthy of Skinimax.  The plan is to stay close by until you come near the water, which is showing me any sign of you liking me.  Chances are, he has been waiting a while, but he won't give up until you make the first move!

All he wants is a kiss. 

  The Shadow Stalker:

  This one is pretty straight forward.  Basically be on her closer than her own shadow.  Smother her with your love!  She'll have no other choice but to love you with the intensity of African bees protecting the hive.



  Hero of Love:
  This one is very similar to Shadow Stalker.  In fact, it often begins that way.  Eventually when stalking her like a pro, you are going to come across the situation of her being in trouble.  This is your chance to shine!  Jump in and beat the shit out of the problem with the bat and/or the super powers you have had with you this whole time.  If you aren't patient enough to wait for nature to take its natural course, pay a hobo or a friend you don't actually like.  That should speed up the process.

His form is flawless.

  Coup de Grace:
  You can never go wrong with pickup lines.  Women absolutely swoon for a man that works a pickup line through his mouth like water winding down a creek.  Only use this if you need a total victory.  She'll be yours forever.  This kind of power takes extensive training.  Be prepared to invest time into this art of love.  Also, ripping off your clothes will multiply the results.  Saying only one pickup line while bare chested will send her into a frenzy where she is begging you to mount her like a lion.  Use this power only for good.

  Popular Pickup Lines:

1. Girl you must be a parking ticket, because you have FINE written all over you.
2. You're parents must be drug dealers, because you're dope to me
3. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
4. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
5. Can you call my eye surgeon, because I am blinded by your beauty.

  And for the killing blow:

Let's get it on like Donkey Kong.

Sex, Anatomy, and Lions.

  Welcome back reader!  It's good to see you.  How are you?  I'm glad to hear that.  Oh?  You like sex and money too?!  This is excellent news. 
 
  Now if you tried the previous celibacy technique for parents of young, naive kids.  But Derek, my kid is semi-intelligent!  He didn't believe a damn word you said!  Well reader, let's be honest, it was a half-baked plan to begin with.  And you obviously didn't show him this picture:

Did you tell him this was going to
explode out of his wiener?
Now we're both to blame.

  Well I have a back up plan. It's time to set this kid straight.  Ambush him....again.  Tie him up against his radiator if you have to.  You're about to give this little shit The Talk.  I'll let you use the talk I gave.  Now I'm not a parent, but I do have a large, child-like friend. 

  This guy was telling me that he was probably going to have sex soon with his Internet girlfriend and telling me his crack pot ideas about sex was like.  He based every bit of information off of Attack of the Show, a show with a fan base that has never seem a woman's genitals.  I had to pump the breaks right then and there.  The boy had it all wrong.  Then as Mufasa once lectured me, I lectured him.

"Oh, the penis goes it the vagina.
Well that makes much more sense."

  Like Mufasa did, I taught him that everything the light touches will be his when I have become a part of the circle of life.  The analogy there was that any woman I have ever looked at becomes his property after I die and become grass for the antelopes.  Long story short, it didn't happen and I still look like a great mystic shaman from the Kenyan Serengeti.  I love this movie.  There is not a single life lesson it can't teach.

 

It went EXACTLY like this.  A touching father-surrogate son moment.